The boyfriends that haven’t taken the initiative to mark their girl’s bottom cheeks with palm imprints may not find it intuitive how to satisfy their submissive girlfriend’s needs. While only a small fraction of women in the world are blessed with true Dom partners, the rest of us still have hope.
The sight of you being turned on is so hot that most guys will be happy to do whatever it is that you love. But that first step in the communication is so scary. How on earth do you tell your boyfriend “spank me”, “use me” or “choke me” and not sound too weird?
“I thought I was the only one”
“He is going to think I am crazy…”
“There is no way he will like this stuff too…”
“It’s too embarrassing…”
“Maybe I AM crazy…”
Familiar thoughts? Chill, there are millions of women out there who love the same thing. That’s the one thing women are always surprised about when they join Best Kept Secret: there is a community of thousands of sex-positive, non-judgmental women, just like them, with the same interests with various levels of experience, who were once in their position. “I thought I was the only one” could become our new catchphrase.
Back to the topic though. How do you tell your partner you want him to choke you, tie you up or try something else? Here are five ways (and real examples) on how to start the conversation. In my opinion, from the easiest to the hardest, but you may find it otherwise. Pick whichever suits your situation the best.
I assume you aren’t completely comfortable with openly explaining in great detail every thing you want your partner to do (otherwise, most likely, you wouldn’t have found this article), so there is an emphasis on ways how to communicate with showing what you want, instead of just talking.
Disclaimer: A lot of the scenarios mentioned here can be dangerous (e.g. choking). Please do your research, make sure you do it safely and always have boundaries and a safe word. If your partner is new to this, make sure he knows all the precautions too.
Place his hands where you want them to be
If it’s something easy to show, such as choking, just put his hand on your neck during sex. If he doesn’t get the hint, whisper in his ear “choke me”. Place his hand on your breasts and squeeze it to show your breasts would love to have a bit more dominant treatment.
If talking about sex doesn’t come easy to you, this may be the way. Obviously, it won’t work for everything you want to try (don’t crack out a whip in the middle of sex without having a chat about it first or your man may get REALLY confused), but for small things to start off with, it’s easier to show than tell.
Show not tell: use erotic audios to help you
If you are like 80% women and find it hard to talk about explicit stuff (I made this number up, but you get the idea), you can use erotic audios to help explain what is it that you would like to try.
Speaking of show, not tell, you can’t just ask your boyfriend to “be more dominant”. What exactly does it mean? How do you want him to act? What do you want him to say? If he is not naturally dominant, it won’t come easy to him. Although he could be enthusiastic to try something new for your pleasure, he will be afraid to hurt you and won’t know what to do and when to do it.
By showing him an audio, you will save yourself from lots of blushing and an awkward conversation (”umm… how do I say this… I want you to spank me…”, “…. and then I want you to…. “, “…and then you tell me this…”). And having to tell him every single thing you want him to do (he is the who is supposed to be in charge after all).
Erotic audios is the key to your bedroom happiness
NSFW audios (also called erotic audios, spicy audios and 18+ ASMR) is a great way to start the conversation and your partner will be able to listen to the audio, learn the dirty talk and the dominant manner without you having to explain every little detail.
A BKS listener wrote:
“I’ve always been a submissive at heart when it comes to the bedroom but it has been difficult for me to communicate that with him. But now that I listen to audios like this I I’m able to gather things that I do like what I don’t like and express them more clearly to him so that we can try them and it has been successful so far.
He has embraced a more dominant side to himself and I have a lot myself to just let go and let him do the things I have fantasized about. Sometimes we listen to the audios together so that he can have a better understanding and they’re very very helpful”
If you are not familiar with NSFW audios, here is an article about what erotic audios are and where to listen to erotic audios. In addition, Because audios are more realistic than porn (more emotions, chemistry, no fake acting etc.), you won’t risk to show the toxic masculinity that can often be found in visual porn.
Another brownie point of the BKS Patreon: every audio has at least a dozen comments from women expressing their love for the scenario. Seeing other women love it, it may help your partner become more confident to try it out themselves. And ease your anxiety, if you aren’t fully comfortable talking about your kinks.
Some examples for how to start the conversation:
- Send him a link to an audio in a text “I came across this audio online and found it super hot and would love to try it out. U up for it?”
- “I have been wanting to try something in bed, but I wasn’t sure if you would be into it too. I find it hot when you are more dominant and [insert whatever you like]. I found an audio of a scenario I would like to try, if you are up for it?” Then send him a link to the audio and let him have a listen in his own time. Then he will know where you are coming from and you can talk about it less awkwardly or jump straight into it.
- Listen to the audio together and point him out which parts you find extra hot
Here are some examples for what audios to have a listen to:
If you want to try spanking:
If you want to try handcuffs / being tied up:
If you want to try choking:
If you want to try Soft / Protective Dom:
If you want to try DDLG:
You can find over 300 audios in our audio repository for more examples
Show not tell: use visual porn to help you
Similar case as with audios, you can just show your partner a video of what you want to try. The benefits of this will include having a visual guide.
One of the main negatives IMHO is the lack of emotional connection and chemistry between the partners. Plus, having to sort through a lot of trashy videos featuring a more extreme side of kinks and content with a lot of fake Os and toxic masculinity. If you are just starting out, you may be looking for more of ‘soft Dom’ types rather than a hardcore BDSM dungeon. Soft Dom is not very well represented in traditional porn, but a few good examples can definitely be found.
Other than that, I am sure I don’t need to tell you where to find these videos 😉
Regarding how to start the conversation, the same advice as in the audio point above applies.
Hand him over the stuff you want him to use
Order some handcuffs on Amazon and tell your sweetheart you’ve got a present for him. Hand him a nicely wrapped box with the handcuffs in it and off to the bedroom you go (just make sure he knows your safe-word in case you decide being bound is not your thing).
This won’t involve a lot of awkward conversations and doesn’t require you to explain yourself. But if you aren’t sure your partner will be into it (most will be happy to handcuff you, but for many a riding crop will be a step too far), give this one a miss and have a chat with them beforehand.
The good old, sit down and just have the talk
You know, the one where you sit down on the couch with a glass of wine and talk it all out like responsible adults. When you do have the conversation, be honest and specific about what you want. Vague hints or suggestions may not be enough to get your point across. Instead, try using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, “I would love it if we could try _______” or “I feel really turned on when _______.”
If you’re not comfortable talking about explicit topics face to face, try sending a text. This can give you the opportunity to express yourself more freely and can also allow your partner time to process and respond in their own way. Something along the lines of ‘Hey, super random, but I have been wanting to try
something…’ should do the trick.
The final notes
Finally, remember that communication is a two-way street. Be sure to listen to your partner’s needs and desires as well, no matter which way you decide to communicate. This can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual experience for both of you. And, if they don’t seem comfortable with your suggestions, don’t push it. He may need time to get used to the idea, or start very very slow, or more ‘real world examples’ that show that controlled pain sometimes is desirable (yes I know, very counterintuitive).
In short, communicating about your interest in BDSM or Sub/Dom dynamic with your partner may not be easy, but it’s worth it in the end. So, take a deep breath, be honest, and don’t be afraid to speak up for what you want.
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